My Father

I had the privilege of speaking at my Father's memorial service yesterday.  The following is what I wrote out just in case I was too emotional to say it.  It didn't come out quite like this, but it was pretty close.

My Father had many great qualities.  I narrowed them down to six which just happen to start with the letters of our last name: EFTING

E

Example - When my Mom first passed away my family and I wanted to include my Dad in as many of our activities as possible, and he was almost always willing to come.  I would call him and ask “Do you want to go with us to . . .” and he often answered “yes” before I named the place.   However there were a few times that he came with us that he didn’t always see us in the best light.  I remember one time at Sea World two of our kids were arguing – apparently something wasn’t “fair.”  My Dad took my daughter and walked alone with her.  I’m not quite sure what they talked about but he calmed her down and it began a relationship that has grown very strong over the past nine years.  One time I asked my Dad when he sees my family being “less than perfect” does he ever feel like he needs to jump in and tell us how we should do things, or does he feel like he needs to bite his tongue and not interfere.  My Dad answered neither of the two.  He said it is very freeing being the grandfather, and despite the times when he sees the negatives he thinks his grandkids (all his grandkids) have wonderful parents and don’t need any unsolicited advice.  In fact that is one of the things that he told me over the past week of his life.  How proud he was of his family.  His kids, and his grandkids, and what great people they are.   My thought was I wondered if I could have that same attitude when my kids give me grandchildren.  I have always thought of my Dad as a role model - Looks like he has set a model for me to follow as a grandfather as well.

F

Funny -  my wife’s parents call them “Efting Jokes” or “that Efting sense of humor” and I have always wondered what they mean.  I have always thought “They are just jokes, or a great sense of humor.” We often twist things that have double meanings to the other point of view, and it’s funny – it’s always funny. During my Dad’s last week I would say something funny to my Dad and he would laugh . . . and then he would cough.  Then I would say "I shouldn’t make you laugh," but then he would say something funny five minutes later.  At one point he made a joke after a nurse’s comment and I complained “I was going to say that!” of all the things I inherited from my Dad I am glad I got his sense of humor.  I think I will have to continue telling “Efting jokes” the rest of my life in honor of my Father.

T

Task oriented - When I got my Dad home on the hospice program he didn’t just lay in bed.  He was giving instructions.  When my Mother-in-Law wanted to make some of his instant coffee he explained why the water had to be dumped out and new water poured in.  You see boiling burns off the oxygen, and oxygen helps gives the water its flavor. So you don’t want to burn off more oxygen than you have to.  He would tell my Father-in-Law (Tom) and me where things were in the house (with great detail) so that we could help get things done.  At one point he told us how to use his ladder that has about 27 different configurations so that we could switch the direction of his ceiling fan.  His fan was actually making the room warmer.  He had a remote control, but nothing on the remote would change that.  We got the ladder working.  Tom climbed up the ladder and found the switch.  Then my Dad said that we should write directions of how to change the direction of the fan on the back of the remote control.

At another point my Dad told me where he kept all of his old oxygen tanks and had me call the company to pick them up.  Then he said, “Good, that’s another thing to cross off of my list.”

I

Immaculate – When my mom passed away I wondered if the house would stay as neat as my Mom had kept it.  It DID!  And when I got home with my Dad on hospice I figured out why.  I put my stuff down in his room – just anywhere.  The hospice team put stuff all over the place.  He wasn’t happy with how the room looked.  He had me move stuff around, and put supplies in the closet.  He was so obsessed about the room being neat that after he passed, and they took all the stuff away I moved everything back, and put things away so it looked as nice as before.

N

Nice – The first night my Dad came home from the hospital Tom stayed with me at my Dad’s house.  My Dad slept most of the night, but he woke up around 2:30. We were talking to him for about 30 minutes.  During that time I can’t tell you how many times he said “Thank you” I don’t even remember what we helped him with at that time, but he kept saying “thank you.” But that was what he was like - always nice to people, always pleasant.

 Of course with my Mom he was more than just nice.  He filled up her car with gas every time she was low so she didn’t have to pump it herself.  I spent 2 nights with my Dad in hospice, and I felt that had plenty of drama.  He took care of my bedridden Mom for 9 months!   

The night before my Dad died my family was about to leave, but I grabbed my wife Kim and nine-year-old daughter Erica.  I told them he was waking up if they wanted to say something to him.  So Erica came in and explained that she couldn’t come the next day but she wanted to say goodbye.  My Dad took his granddaughter’s hand between his hands and said “You’re a very sweet little girl.”  That was the last significant thing my Dad said.

G

Godly   - My Dad went to church with his family every Sunday.  It was never a question we just always went. When my brothers and I were growing up we would see my Dad every morning sitting at the end of the couch with a Bible and a notebook reading and praying.  Because he was consistently taking in God’s word, God worked through him.  He lived his life in service to God by serving others.  Youth and adults were encouraged by him while he was a pastor. Students, teachers and office staff were influenced by him while he was a principal.  Friends and family were blessed by his life.  If I needed advice I could always count on my Dad to give me great advice from a biblical perspective.  Over the last week of his life he was still sharing Bible verses with us.

 The day before he died the hospice social worker had come in to talk to him.  She asked “Are you prepared to die?”  My Dad replied “Well there is really no way to prepare, except to accept Jesus Christ as your savior before you die, because afterwards it will be too late.”  Again I see my Dad as an excellent role model - sharing the good news of the gospel one last time.

I am so thankful that I have had this godly man as my father.  I am sure that early Friday morning on the 13^th of July he heard the words “Well done, good and faithful servant!”

Cancer part II

September 18, 2006 was the date of my cancer surgery.  The day after the doctors came to my room at Arrowhead Community Hospital and explained that everything went well.  They informed Kim and I that they had taken out some lymph nodes along with the tumor.  They were going to have them tested to see if the cancer had spread.  That test is very important because it tells what level that cancer is.

Stage I:  Cancer is contained within the tumor – not spread to other parts of the body.

Stage II&III:   Cancer is larger or has spread to lymph nodes, but not bones or organs.

Stage IV:  Cancer has spread to bones or other organs.

I didn’t know it at the time but stage IV colon cancer has less than a 50% five year survival rate.  Why five years? Because if you live five years after your cancer and it returns it is actually a new cancer. 

Even thought the mass they removed was the size of “a large orange.”  The doctors believed that there was a good chance that by cancer was only stage I.  However they came back a couple days later to talk to me again.  I remember the doctor asking if I had any family with me.  I told them they were coming at 3:00.  He said he would be back in surgery then and he looked a little nervous.  I got the idea he wanted to tell me something but was hoping I had a support system around so they would help me deal with it. I said “The cancer spread didn’t it?”  He said “Yes it did.” Six out of 29 lymph nodes were infected with the cancer. Diagnosis – Stage III Cancer.  What did that mean?

Chemotherapy

My Chemotherapy was scheduled to last six months.  This included eight rounds of sitting in the hospital getting cancer killing chemicals pumped right into my blood stream, followed by two weeks of taking chemo pills and then a week off before starting all over again.

I didn’t lose any hair, and I didn’t get sick every time (they include anti nausea medicine with the chemo drugs).  My major side effect was neuropathy.  I had an extreme sensitivity to cold.  Any cool weather and my fingers would tingle like they are falling asleep.  Cold drinks were not happening.  During my first week of the cycle everything I drank had to be warmed up.  I usually drank hot chocolate or hot apple cider. Even room temperature water would make it feel like my lips and throat were swelling up.  It would feel like I couldn’t breathe.  The next week I could drink room temperature water, and during week three I could put one, only one, ice cube in my drink. The other side effect was chest pain. I felt like I was having a heart attack right at the end of each hospital “infusion” chemotherapy.  After the nurses checked on it the chest pain happens to less than five percent of people receiving my chemo drugs.  Nothing was actually happening with my heart, but it sure did hurt.

Infusion Day

Most of my chemo was in pill form, but the days I actually went into the hospital were major events. first of all I was placed in a room with two recliners.

 Usually the other chair was filled with another person fighting cancer. The nurses would set up my IV and start pumping anti-nausea medicine into me.  Then they would start the chemo.  The whole process took between six to eight hours. I would usually be able to watch TV.  However one time my roommate's wife was already watching TV when I arrived.  She was watching soap operas - in Spanish! Thankfully my nurses transferred me to another room so I only had to watch for about an hour.  

Since the day took so long, they suggested that I bring food to eat while I was there.  My Mom, who lived close to the hospital, was always bringing me something to eat.  I remember she brought a thermos of tomato soup one time, and a bunch of candy hearts (the ones for valentine's day) another time.  I used to love tomato soup, but not any more. I can't stand candy hearts either.  It seemed like anything I ate in the oncology room now makes me sick to my stomach. I realized it back then too.  I could eat it in the room, but not anytime afterwords. So one time I asked for McDonald's cheeseburgers, but sadly that one didn't work.  I still like McDonald's. 

Lack of interest?

When you get diagnosed with cancer you find out who your friends are.  It is a major, possibility life threatening, condition. People are scared for you, and they let you know they are concerned. People were praying for me all over the world.  We had people giving us money, clothes, toys, gift cards, and helping us in more ways than I could have even imagined.   It was so overwhelming I had more friends than I realized.  However by the time I started chemotherapy (three months later) all of the obsessive love thrown my way had died down.  As I look back at it there were still plenty of people who loved and cared for us, but because it was so much less than at first I felt a little sense of loneliness.  I include this emotion in my blog because in talking to other people they have told me they have felt a similar feeling when going through a major life trauma.  I had to come to the realization that people didn’t necessarily forget about me.  They still cared, but of course they had their day to day lives to deal with.  And even though it didn't seem like as much we still had help.  

Help, help and more help

The kids were not allowed near the oncology department, not even in the waiting room. It is a bad thing for anyone going through chemo to get sick.  So the kids germs needed to stay far away.  My parents and Kim's parents were always willing to keep our three kidos with them, or drive me to my treatments so that Kim could be with our little ones.  They were ready to help in any other way that they could.

Georgann Dadabo flew out from Illinois to help out for a while.  I didn't know our kitchen sink could get that clean! Pastor Scott from High Desert Church was always checking on us to see that we were ok.  When the sink in the bathroom starting leaking, he came over and fixed it.  Our neighbor down the street Allen Williams had his lawn guys from work come take care of our lawn while I was going through chemo.  He said that they would keep coming until KIM said I was healthy enough to take care of it myself.  However the lawn looked so much better with them doing it that Kim didn't want to tell them I could take over!

I was on disability during my chemotherapy, but that didn't cover all of our bills and our friends the Don and Sherri Castle sent even more money our way. I am probably forgetting some people because it has been a while now. But through it all I can definitely see the had of God working through my friends and family to show how much He loves me. Seeing that now is what makes this next paragraph seem so strange.

God will provide

I remember driving to one of my last chemotherapy appointments with my Dad.  My disability was about to end and I would be able to go back to work.  However the job I was working was really kind of a stop gap job.  It didn't provide an awful lot for my family and I was beginning to worry about how I was going to make ends meet. My Dad stopped me and said "Really? After all you have seen God do for you through your cancer crisis (and He has done A LOT - read the previous blog entry). You are worried that God can't provide for you when things get back to normal?"

Those may not have been his exact words, but that was the idea. God is amazing.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  He holds the whole world in His hands, and He cares about you and me. He took care of me during that time of crisis in my life, and He is still taking car of me today!

I am glad God saw me through my cancer, and I am glad I can trust Him with my life, but I am even more excited to know that when I die he will still be taking care of me.   John 3:16 tells me that God gave His only son to die so that you and I could be with Him forever in heaven: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." 

More than We Ask or Think

August 2006 I went into the urgent care at Arrowhead Community Hospital with a mysterious stomach pain. I thought it might be my appendix, and since I heard that you could die if your appendix bursts I thought I should have it looked at. My biggest apprehension at the time was that I did not have any health insurance. How would I pay for an appendectomy without insurance?
Worst Case Scenario
I got seen pretty quickly. They asked me a few questions, and before too long they ruled out appendicitis. The Intern there told me not to go jumping to the worst case scenario. I told him “I don’t even know what the worst case scenario would be.” He responded “Well the worst case scenario would be cancer.” At that moment I began thinking about the worst case scenario.

About two weeks later we got the news. I was in the follow up clinic with Kim and our one week old son Casey. The doctor asked us if anyone had told us the result of the biopsy yet. We said no and he proceeded to tell us that I did indeed have cancer. CANCER – that word hit us like a ton of bricks. What did this mean for us? Was I going to survive this? What was going to happen next? If I couldn’t pay for an appendectomy how would I pay for cancer treatment? I think that having little Casey in the room with us made the worries even more intense. Casey was going to need a father, and so were his older sister and brother. The doctor had left us alone in the room, he gave some other excuse, but I think he did it so Kim and I could talk to each other a little bit before he told us what would happen next.

What Happens Next?
The surgery was already scheduled and it was only 10 days away. One of the doctors explained that there was a good chance that they could get all of the cancer through surgery and if so I would not have to go through any chemotherapy or radiation treatment.

Well that was the first bit of good news, but there will be much more along the way. Kim, who was incredible through this whole ordeal, went to talk to the financial people at the hospital. I don’t know exactly when she did it, because I spent so much time in a hospital room between the biopsy and the surgery. She got information about MediCAL and we qualified for them to pay for both of my stays in the hospital, and the surgery! That was incredible. How did we qualify? Well first I had to have kids under the age of 18. That was easy. We just had our third. Secondly we had to qualify under income, and here to me was the first sign of God’s hand in all of this. About three months earlier my job had cut my hours by one day a week. So I was supporting a family on 80% of what I had been making. I was in the hospital four days one week for the biopsy, and missed three days the next week for the birth of Casey. All of those days I had to take off without pay. I thought it was terrible that I missed all of that pay. But in the end it helped us qualify for MediCAL. Looking back I am so thankful that God is in control of our circumstances. As I was going through it I didn’t always see how God was working.

Although Medical paid for the hospital and the surgery, it did not pay for our living expenses. I still went without pay for 12 days between the two hospital stays and Casey’s birth. However God was still working, and taking care of his child. Kim and I took our family to spend a day with Gary and Lisa Rogers and their family. We knew Gary and Lisa from church and they were also in our small group for a while. They had also invited another family over. The other family was the Kings. They were also a part of our small group from a year ago. I had a great time talking to people and watching our kids play that day. Kim and I mentioned the ordeal we were going through, but overall I thought it was a great time to take my mind off of cancer and hospitals.
Later that evening, we had a knock on our door. When we opened it we saw the Kings there. They told us that God had laid it on their hearts to give something to us. It was $500! Wow, we didn’t see that coming at all. We felt truly blessed. It was amazing to me that a family would give that much money to us.

The time leading up to the surgery was stressful. I had to take medicine to clear out my colon (it was colon cancer). The two days before my surgery I had to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. When I arrived at the Hospital for surgery on September 18, 2006 three of the Pastors from my Church were there: Pastor Scott, Pastor Dave, and Pastor Tim. I was impressed that they were there for me. Pastor Scott prayed with me and my family, but I don’t remember a word he said. I had a hard time concentrating.

Surgery
Surgery went well, and they thought they had removed all of the cancer. They also removed some lymph nodes to test to see if the cancer had spread. As it turned out . . . it did spread. I would have to go through chemotherapy to kill the rest of the cancer left in me, but first my body had to recover from surgery.
While I was recovering in the hospital, which was about 45 miles away from our house, Kim and the kids stayed with her parents in Redlands. That was a lot closer to the hospital. She was able to go back and forth to the Hospital much more quickly than if she had stayed at our house. Her Mom also helped with baby Casey, and her Dad drove Alina to school. Tom would get up early drive an hour to take Alina to school and then another 40 minutes back to his work.

As for me I couldn’t even get out of bed by myself. They cut through all of my stomach muscles; you know the ones you use to sit up. I was in a lot of pain, and they told me they wouldn’t release me until I had a bowel movement. Kim was hoping that I could be released by Sunday so that we could go home and she could take Alina to school for the next week. I wanted to go home too, but I didn’t know how to make the bowel movement come any faster. But finally it did come, and we did get to come home on Sunday.

That didn’t make Kim’s job any easier though. Besides driving Alina to school every day, she now had to take care of me (I still had a hard time getting out of bed), she had a one month old baby to take care of, and she also had Tommy at home who was only three at the time. I couldn’t have been very easy to deal with. I had about 15 staples down the middle of my stomach, and major dressing on top of it. Puss would ooze out form different parts along the incision, and I freaked out when I saw part of it open up. I thought there was a hole going all the way to my insides!
More of God’s Taking Care of Us
I couldn’t go back to work yet, so Kim arranged for us to get disability payments. However that only paid for about half of what were getting from my job. However, another family felt led to give to us. My Mom was working at a school with a lady named Sherri. I had taught Sherri’s kids at Inland Christian School about 15 years earlier. I had also played church softball with her husband Don for several years. When they heard about what I was going through they wrote us a check for several thousand dollars. I could not have imagined ever giving that much to someone, but God had blessed them with some extra money at that time and they wanted to help us out.

Eventually I got to the place where I could sit up, and I went back to work for a couple months until they started the chemotherapy. I was scheduled to start chemotherapy the week of Thanksgiving, but because of some complications they pushed it off one month. So it started the last week of December.

I really think of my cancer treatment in two parts: first was my surgery and recovery from September 21 to December 26 of 2006, and my chemotherapy which I think of as the first six months of 2007 (even though it really started the end of 2006). I will write more about my chemotherapy part in the next post.

Prayers
As I look back on surgery and recovery, I am amazed at all of the people that I had praying for me. My brother Andy’s church in Georgia was praying for me, and my brother Scott’s Christian school was praying for me in San Jose. The prayer group at my Mom’s school was praying for me. Staff members from at least two schools where I previously taught, Hesperia Christian School and Riverside Christian School, were praying for me. A short version of my story even ended up in a nationally (maybe internationally) distributed prayer list from Master Media.

I remember a conversation that I had with Kim’s sister Michelle where she said she wished that her and her husband Jon could be around to help out. They were in Korea at the time. I told her that I was happy that she had people praying for me at her church out there. I literally had people praying for me around the world! I am sure that I am leaving some groups out, and I am sure that there were some people who prayed for me that I was not even aware of. My point is that I was overwhelmed by the amount of prayers that were lifted up to God on my behalf.

Really it was prayers and answers to prayers. So many people helped out either physically or financially. Sometimes I would think of ways that God might solve my problems, but I usually think of just one way, but God worked through many different people. It kind of reminded me of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” when so many people came to help to George Bailey at the end of the movie. I guess a better description of what happened is Ephesians 3:20-21

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”

My Mom

My Mom passed away on May 6, 2009. I miss her very much. There are many great memories that I have of her and I was privileged to share a couple of those at her funeral. . .

My mom was the best mom anyone could ask for, and she was a wonderful Grandmother. As I think back at my time with her I think of a couple things that I believe really defined her as a person and I’d like to share them with you.
No Argument
One of the special things about growing up in the Efitng household is that my parents never argued - Never. I thought that was normal. When I told people that, they didn’t believe me. They thought my parents just did a good job of keeping it behind closed doors. But I never remembered any tension between them at all. But I wondered if they could be right. Well one day I heard my dad casually walk towards the kitchen and asked my mom if she would like to go car shopping with him. She replied “oh I don’t really feel like going, you know what I am looking for in a car. Why don’t you just go by yourself?” My dad was not happy with that response. He replied “Well I thought I knew what you wanted, but the last time we went out you said you wanted one thing and then didn’t like the car that had it, so I don’t know what you want. Maybe we shouldn’t even get a new car?” So my ears perked up. Do my parents really argue? And I just didn’t realize it? What would my mom’s response be? My mom stopped what she was doing looked straight at my dad and sweetly said “If you really want me to go with you, I’ll go with you.”
It didn’t matter what she was doing, or that she got her way. And I’m not even sure if her motivation was keeping peace, or showing love to my dad. – But my parents didn’t argue, and that is a great gift to give to your children.
Looking out for Others
Over the last few months when my mom could not get out of bed, several families at Heritage Bible church reached out to her. My mom loved music, and she really missed the music from her church, so nearly every Sunday for the last five months they came over after church and sang to her. Sometimes when I was over, I wondered if my mom would pass away during one of the songs and the Angels would just finish the song up in Heaven. Well on of those Sundays my brother and his kids where visiting. The violin and singing were sounding great but something was bothering my mom. Some of the church members came close to Mom, to see what she needed. Was she in pain? Did she want them to sing a different song? No as it turns out she noticed that my brother Andy’s daughters were trying to get into her bathroom and the door appeared to be locked. She wanted someone to unlock the door so that they could get in. It made me think – her whole life she has been serving others. Now at the time that she is sick, she should just relax and enjoy the music. But that is not the way my Mom was.
When I was young she told me the way to have Joy in your life. Was to put Jesus first, others second and then yourself. Jesus, others, you – my Mom lived that way through the last days of her life.

Alina Trusts in the Lord

Several years ago my Dad gave a testimony in church. I don't remember everything that he said but one part of it I will never forget. He mentioned that the fact that he wanted to be a good role model for his kids, kept him living his life for the Lord. My Dad is and always has been the man I have looked up to the most as a Christian. I thought to myself at the time that I actually made a difference in my Dad's life. I always saw him as such a strong Christian that I was amazed that a kid could have a positive effect on a man of his character.

Well about five years ago my daughter had a real positive effect on me. My family was going through a hard time. I had been out of work for almost three months. I started doubting God's ability to work things out in my life. I had even thought about not going to Church anymore, and just living life without thinking about God. But I had not made that decision yet, and we when we came back from church the next Sunday Alina, who was three years old at the time, was all excited about memorizing her first Bible verse. She quoted the last part of Psalm 31:6 "...I trust in the Lord." She said it to me as we were leaving church, and again in the car, and the rest of the day at home. "I trust in the Lord." "I trust in the Lord." "I trust in the Lord." I couldn't get those words out of my head.

You see I thought I knew what God was going to do to get my family out of the situation that we were in, and more importantly I thought I knew what the timing should be. When God did not do what I expected I started doubting Him. I don't know what I was thinking; I had been a Christian for over 30 years at that point. But when I had those doubts God sent my little girl to remind me what I needed to do. So I trusted in the Lord. He provided a job and guided me through many more difficulties since then. But when those problems come I need to remind myself of what Alina kept telling me that day. "Trust in the Lord"